


in another life

by adoresterek



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 10:54:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17865923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoresterek/pseuds/adoresterek
Summary: when alex comes back to roswell, things don't quite go how he thought they would





	in another life

Everything is still, quiet, lonely, dark. Alex is slowly walking the streets of his hometown, the place he’d found himself in, the place he’d wanted to escape. Nothing has changed and yet somehow everything has. His leg is aching but he doesn’t stop, he carries on, letting old memories wash over him. 

The streets echo with snippets of his old life here. It has never been unkind to Alex; it is his home and even though he had wanted to run so far away from this place ten years prior, he had felt a sort of contentment being back. He had felt grounded here, he had felt love, he had felt warmth, once upon a time. He doesn’t quiet feel like that right now. 

He stills, looks to his left. It’s just a bench, an old bench with a memory Alex has kept with him, he’s looked back on that memory countless times when he’s felt lost, alone, scared. When everything felt hopeless that one memory brought him back. His heart yearns for it. 

_“You’re all I want,” Michael whispers._

_They’re alone, it’s 3am, the streets are empty, it’s just the two of them. Alex has never felt happiness quite like it. Sitting here with Michael, thighs touching, fingers intertwined. Right now, he does not care if anyone sees them, he’s not afraid. He’s young and dumb and in love but he is not afraid._

_There’s an excited buzz in the air because they have their whole lives head of them. Them against the word, it’s what they want, it’s what they’ve talked about. Everything in Alex’s life is so up in the air right now but this, them, this is where he feels grounded. With Michael, there was no falling in love with him; with Michael loving him was like standing on solid ground, sure and real._

_Alex’s cheeks ache, the smile on his face could be seen from space. He wants to say ‘I love you, I’m in love with you, please say you love me too’ but this moment is so raw, so real and he doesn’t want to scare Michael off with the l word. Michael doesn’t talk about his feelings very often – he shows them though, god does he show them, with how he holds Alex, how he kisses him, how he comforts him and listens to him; how he smiles at Alex from across a crowded room. They’re in love._

_“Hmm, and for how long, Guerin?” Alex teases. He always teases, he can’t help himself. It’s with love though, with a massive grin and that look in his eyes, the look that says he believes everything Michael says and he doesn’t doubt his feelings._

_“Well,” Michael drawls, and he’s smirking now, “I guess until someone better comes along but for now, you’ll do.”_

_Alex laughs, shakes his head gently, before he kisses Michael, slow and meaningful. Every time he kisses Michael, he never wants the moment to end, he wants to stay there, kissing him until he physically can’t anymore._

_“Don’t ever leave me,” Alex says against Michael's lips, feeling vulnerable._

_Michael looks serious, then, his hand threads through Alex’s hair before kissing him again, much deeper this time, the kiss says ‘I’m not going anywhere, you’re it for me.’ He pulls back and smiles._

_“You wouldn’t be able to find anyone better than me, anyway.” He says, eyes lighting up as Michael laughs and shakes his head._

_“No-one as modest either?” Michael shoots back._

_Alex shrugs his shoulders. “I’ve got to keep reminding you how good you’ve got it.”_

_Alex feels Michael squeeze his hand. “I know how good I’ve got it, trust me.”_

_And Alex does trust him, he trusts him more than he’s trusted anyone before; he trusts their love will last through whatever life throws at them and he trusts that Michael will always be there._

He is hopelessly in love with that memory. 

He cries then, quiet and low, scared to let it all out because if he does, he knows he’ll never stop. He squeezes his eyes shut, his heart feels heavy, he doesn’t want to fall apart. Why should he fall apart for Michael Guerin? Why should he feel the whole weight of this? 

He could give in but he doesn't want to. If he gives in that means it’s over, right? That means he’s lost Michael forever, doesn’t it? 

He has. 

He can’t get the image out of his head. He squeezes his eyes tighter, wanting nothing more than to forget the scene he’s just witnessed. He wants to go back in time, change what happens, he wants to stay. He wants to go back in time and stay. 

-  
“I can’t believe you’re back!” Maria laughs, pulling Alex into the world's biggest hug. Alex hadn’t seen anyone yet, he’d gone straight to the pub to see Maria and he was so happy to see her, so happy to feel the warmth of someone he’d known all his life. It was comforting. 

They’d spent a couple of minutes just talking, stood near the doorway of the entrance because Maria hadn’t let him take more like three steps inside before jumping on him but when Liz had turned up, giving Alex the same warm welcome Maria had, they decided to get a table, a couple of drinks and a proper good catch up. 

It was when Alex had said he’d get the next round in that his whole world became dark, his stomach dropped and he felt like he was going to throw up. He was sure he looked like an idiot, half stood off his seat, frowning, his face pale. Maria touched his arm and she was saying something, she was definitely saying something, but Alex couldn’t hear her. He couldn’t hear or see anything, anything else. His eyes were glued to Michael, Michael freaking Guerin, and god he was still so in love with him. But Michael wasn’t alone. 

Michael was kissing someone. Someone that wasn’t Alex. Michael was kissing someone else. Michael was kissing another man. 

He knew he’d been staring for too long and that was confirmed when Michael’s eyes caught his own. Those lovely hazel eyes Alex had stared into countless times before. He looked shocked and Alex couldn’t blame him, they hadn’t seen each other in ten years. 

It took everything in Alex to look away, finally, he swallowed thickly. He couldn’t cry, he had no right to, they weren't anything anymore, they hadn’t been for years. That didn’t make it easier but he kept repeating it in his head, over and over and over again. 

He rushed out of that pub faster than he’d left anywhere in his life, his feet just took him without warning, he couldn’t hear Maria and Liz shouting him back, asking if he was okay. He wasn’t. 

His breath was laboured as he leaned against the brick wall, welcoming the coldness, accepting the ache in his leg. He couldn’t catch his breath. He couldn’t help but think about how ridiculous he must look right now, how ridiculous he felt. 

“Alex.” And god no, he didn’t need this right now. Michael's voice hadn’t changed, he’d remember that voice anywhere; he remembered that voice saying his name in a much better context. 

“Hi,” Alex said as he forced his eyes open to look at Michael. It was too hard. 

“What -” 

“What am I doing here?” Alex finished for him and Michael nodded. “I’m back, surprised?” Was it even acceptable to even feel as unsure as Alex did in this moment? 

“You could say that.” Michael responded, taking a small step back and why was it that one simple, probably meaningless move, was the thing that made Alex feel broken inside? 

Alex couldn’t stand here, why had Michael followed him out? He wasn’t even saying anything. They just stared at each other, both lost, both unsure. It was never like that with them, ever. 

“I should go, yeah.” Alex muttered, mostly to himself. He pushed himself off of the wall and felt Michael grab his arm, tight, keeping him there and Alex couldn’t help but think that that was ironic considering he hadn’t tried to stop him ten years ago. “I need to go.” 

“Stay - you do owe Liz and Maria a drink after all.” 

Alex knew he was trying to make the moment lighter because of how awkward the air was between them but Alex couldn’t do that right now, he couldn’t just act like he hadn’t seen Michael kissing someone. A man. In public. He felt bitter, Michael had never kissed him in public. 

He shook his head, he felt like his legs were going to give way at any minute, he wanted to run, to keep running and never look back. 

“I’ll make it up to them. I need to go.” He was like a broken record, he wasn’t looking at Michael, couldn’t look at him any longer. 

“Okay.” And it was that easy, apparently, because Michael’s grip left Alex’s arm and he took two steps back. 

Alex looked up, eyes glistening with the unshed tears in his eyes. Michael looked the same but so different, somehow, he looked older, a little more broken maybe. But he looked good. Alex didn’t say any of the things he’d planned to say, everything he really wanted to say; he didn't say everything that had just come to him. He didn't say he was glad their paths had crossed, that they’d been part of each other’s lives and that if Michael was happy, so was he. If Michael was happy, Alex was happy for him, he was, _he was_ , but he was also sad it wouldn’t be him making him happy. 

He turned to walk away instead, leaving so many words unspoken. Michael didn’t follow him so he kept walking; he kept walking until his legs caused him grief but he didn’t stop, couldn’t stop. Michael let him walk away, he was good at that, he’d done it ten years ago. Alex had walked away and Michael let him. Maybe they weren’t meant to be like Alex had always thought. 

Maybe in another life they would be together. Maybe in another universe, Alex would be Michael’s and Michael would be Alex’s but not in this lifetime. Not today. Not ever. 

So he walked away.


End file.
